Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
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