just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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