If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
