Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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