i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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