no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
