i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
