you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Randomize
