This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
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