I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Randomize
