he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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