She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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