I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
