I can't breathe out the right side of my face
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Randomize
