yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
she told me i tasted like america
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Randomize
