i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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