sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
