We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Randomize
