I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
