it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Randomize
