just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
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