just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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