Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Randomize
