bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I just want nice things and good sex
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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