How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
