So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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