There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
