you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
