I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
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