Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
