dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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