Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I think a kid would responsible me up
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
