Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
