My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
