just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
The Olympian is in my bed
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
