As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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