Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
