apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
