i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
