I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
