I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Randomize
