EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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