the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
