Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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