Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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