i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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