hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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