now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
