No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
