My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
My cat gives me a boner
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
