K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
