Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
