I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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