Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
