I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Randomize
